"Hold on a minute, I've got a great idea. Hello, I'm Michael Deeley, the producer of then original Italian Job and I'll tell you what was supposed to happen next.
"You remember that after a successful raid, William (the driver) got a little carried away driving the coach to fame and glory over the alps. The lads were celebrating in the back.There was drinking. Dancing. Suddenly, around one hairpin bend, William lost it. The back end of the coach span out quicker than a bird on a barcrawl, and came to a halt with half of it on the road, and half of it staring down the valley of death. The gold was in the back end. Obviously. And the film ends with Caine's immortal words: 'Hold on lads, I got a great idea. Er. Er.'
"Well I'd written the sequel, so what happens next is thus: We hear some machine noise, and two helicopters fly over the nearest range with a long cord between them. It's hooked underneath the coach, is lifted up, and the gold comes tumbling out. It's the mafia you see. And the sequel is all about getting the gold back from them. Good, don't you think?"*
Well no, actually Michael, I don't. The greatest dilemma in cinematic history ruined. And so is my life.
Ok I'm over it.
Still can't believe you told us.
It appears I'm not over it.
*script taken from desert island discs Fri 19th December. there may be a few inaccuracies.
I love whistling. Do it all the time. In the street. At home. At work. Anywhere and/or everywhere. I don't even know I'm doing it. I even whistle ringtones. Last thing I heard that resembles a tune ends up being whistled. It has to be better than playing music out loud from my phone. I think.
My Grandfather whistled beautifully. My Mum whistles too. Constantly. But as far as I can tell, not many people whistle. I'd like to add 'any more' to that, but i can't remember anyone whistling as much as my Mum and Grandpa. I do remember walking down a street in Aman whistling and getting some nasty looks. I think it may be bad manners in the Arab world.
Anyway. I was thinking about all this today (whilst whistling), and it struck me that most of the time I'm whistling melodies made by instruments or voices. But every now and again, I'll be whistling something that is a whistle. Not very often. But every now and again. So here's my top five songs to whistle with a whistle within to add a little bit more balance to the world.
Noah and the Whale - Five Years Time
My number one 'original whistling' track. Feel good factor turned right up here. If these young pups lose themselves to fame and drugs I'll weep.
Otis Redding - Sitting on the Dock of the Bay
Crash bang wallop what a video.
Interesting to note that soul music seems to have a particularly high 'legend' quota. Not many of them used the whistle effectively.
Peter Bjorn and John - Young Folks
The hooky tune of 2007. But no one seemed to notice they ripped the whistled riff from the beginning of Kung Fu Fighting...
Eric Idle - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.
Yes yes yes. You're Brian.
Probably the first song with a whistle I whistled.
Bing Crosby - White Christmas
Well. It's Christmas.
From a time when women were so stupid men had to prompt them mid way through the song. This despite the fact she'd already joined in. Maybe he was worried about losing authority.
If you don't know the words honey, you're on your own. Just like the rest of us. That's the kind of guy I am.
So that's my top five songs to whistle with a whistle within. Others only just missed out. Step on by the Happy Mondays (though it's been suggested that was just to fill in for shaun rider's lack of lyrical memory). Over My Shoulder by Mike and the Mechanics. And who can forget the Scorpions with Winds of Change. Even if you want to.
I'm off to throw some shapes. In a bay (dockside).
I've been away. Not that you'd notice. But I have. And now I'm back. I didn't really go away. I was taken. By the Norovirus. He's a nasty little bastard, but he can't hold on to you for long. And when you come back, you feel like you've been given a second chance.
It's nothing that new, but executed brilliantly. And smashes the theory you have to put up a bit of text for any length of time. Make sure it feels right, sure, but the brain will pick stuff up at a frightening speed.
That's what some people I've worked with don't get. People are clever.
There is a village. Maybe in Wiltshire. In this village, all the men are clean shaven. Some shave themselves. Others are seen to by the barber. There's only one barber in the village. The barber shaves every man in the village who doesn't shave himself, and only those men.
The barber's male, so does he shave himself?
Say the barber doesn't shave himself. Well, by definition he's supposed to shave all the men who don't shave themselves, so this can't be true and he must shave himself.
But if he does shave himself, he doesn't shave only the men in the village who do not shave themselves.